A shooting star with a razorblade.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-10-09T21:15:00

2003-10-10T01:16:08Z

I should probably try to get active again around here. I miss you all.

This was only a two-liner because I really have nothing to say.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-09-14T23:36:00

2003-09-15T03:37:03Z

Two months and counting.

Edit: Oh my God. I just read up on the situation with Aaron, Ryan, and Foxx... wow, I don't even know what the fuck to say about that at all. I'm so sorry you all had to go through that, that's... pretty damn awful. It's kind of like a nightmare, especially for Ryan. If I had the nerve, I'd catch a plane to DC tomorrow and visit you all, attempt to calm things down and have a good time, but knowing me I'd screw everything around even more. Maybe I just miss the three of you and wish I were there to help you all out through this. Life is fucked up and cruel, I don't doubt that this is hard for all three of you in your own ways. Foxx because she had to choose and I know she hates hurting people, Ryan because... well, that's obvious, and Aaron because it's his brother and that would hurt a great deal. Why am I updating about this when I should be updating about Cone? God, there's a time and place for everything and I think I have it mixed up to the fifth power. What am I on about again? Sorry, it's been an exhausting day if you know what I mean. I should sleep.

Someone buy Cone and I paid accounts for the hell of it, please.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-09-06T23:06:00

2003-09-07T03:18:48Z

Why do people post things like this?

I am still bandless and I am still waiting to start a new one. People are finally starting to realize the fact that LiveonRelease has broken up, it has certainly taken them long enough. They are all, "WELL BIF NAKED'S OFFICIAL FORUM IS UP BUT LOR'S IS NOT THERE. GUESS THEY'RE REALLY BROKEN UP!!!" Yeah, chief, we are. And to answer a follow-up question, I haven't spoken to Brittin in over a month. I tend to keep in regular touch with Foxx and Leah, though Brittin and I have basically gone our separate ways. It's not as if I wasn't expecting it. To her, we ruined her dream. Her perfect band with her as the star. This may be cold and I know that Brittin is not a selfish person whatsoever, but everyone wants to shine at some point, right? It's only natural to want your sister and your father to elevate you onto a pedestal. I didn't even realize it was happening and I don't believe Britt herself did, either. I think she took for granted how much exposure she, herself, was getting. Now that everything's said and done, she's playing guitar for Bif and the three of us are stranted. Foxx has a job, I believe. I don't know where right now, but I'm sure she has one. How the hell else will she pay bills? Same with Leah. But really, I've got nothing. I'm afraid of running out of money. As each day passes, I contemplate the day I have to run to my parents and ask them to please wire me some. I tour with my boyfriend, I'm one of those rockstar girlfriends now. I'm not Colette from LiveonRelease, I'm Colette who is dating Cone McCaslin. The latter isn't depressing at all other than the fact that I'm no longer the former. I can no longer hold my own according to random fans, you know? I'm just a girlfriend. I'm with the band, not in the band. I'm sure none of you are even staying with my train of thought on this. Maybe I'm just crazy, who knows. But yeah, I'm thankful every single day for the opportunities that Cone is giving and his willingness to accommodate unemployed me, even if he does have sex with his bandmates when I am not looking. No, scratch that, I'm totally kidding. He even does it when I am looking.

Anyway, moving on, Aaron invited me to a party that's going to take place in his house very soon. I think his band's going and I'm not sure who else, but if Ryan's there then I hope Foxx will be as well. I'm going to fly to D.C. sometime in the near future and see what happens. I'll just have to meet up with Cone a few days later in some airport. I have no idea where they'll be, I will just play it by ear. I need to stop spending money on airplane tickets. At least when I am with Sum 41 I get them for free.

Speaking of money, I have to go to an open grocery store and stock up on bottles of Dasani and chex mix. Goodbye.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-09-04T17:19:00

2003-09-04T21:19:34Z

updates

edit: my paid ran out. where is my boyfriend?

colette_trudeau @ 2003-08-22T01:07:00

2003-08-22T05:15:34Z

It's settled that on September 1st, I'm flying to San Francisco to go see a concert on September 2nd. I can assure you that it's not just any show, however. It's the Finch, Senses Fail, The Starting Line, Home Grown, The Early November, and Allister concert! That is fucking awesome if you ask me. I love all of those bands and I'm friends with Senses Fail and of course Nate Barcalow. I don't know exactly where my boyfriend's band is going to be at that time, but if he can't or doesn't want to fly there with me, I completely understand. This is a spur-of-the-moment type of thing and I'm really kind of psyched about it. ♥ ...LOOK AT THAT HEART. Sorry, but that really amuses me.

I miss Foxx, Leah, and Brittin. I'm not going to go into detail because if I were to do that, I'd wind up getting extremely emotional and it's the last thing I want on a night like this. Let's just say that no matter how bad things got sometimes, I really miss the old days. I miss spending every waking moment with three of the best friends I have ever had. We're all drifting away from each other and it's really breaking my heart to know that we'll probably never share the connection that we once did several months ago.

Have you ever felt like giving up on certain things in your life? That said things are complete messes and you'd maybe be better off without them complicating things? I am being as vague as I can be with fear of fucking things up, but really, I had to get it out sometime.

The first paragraph is really the only reason why I updated. Why do I feel like changing my LJ name thing from 'Lettuce' to 'I LOVE DANNY TRAPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'? I am clearly not all there.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-08-20T00:20:00

2003-08-20T04:34:35Z

I am going to start off this entry by saying that I just read about 350 entries back on my friends page and I am sick and tired of reading. Rather than cry about it, I'd simply like to alert everyone that this person's icons are clearly retarded and even though I have never said a single word to her and I have no problems with her (read: I'm sure she's nice), her icons are awful and if I knew who she was, I'd make her new ones myself. Aren't I such a nice person? Please don't answer that.

Where is Buddy? I am not going to stop asking where he is until he magically calls my cellphone or signs onto AIM. When I met him a few months ago, I really didn't expect him to mean this much to me. I find myself thinking about him and how he's making out several times a week, even though I haven't spoken to him in what seems like ages. I tagged along with their tour for a little while and had one of the best times of my life, even if I did have to sleep in a van a lot and traveled for hours with every single bodily fluid you could imagine in the seats around me. Their manager, Butch, was even so great. He was absolutely hilarious. Made me laugh every single day, that crazy asian. Shawn was wonderful as well, he's their roadie. We'd all cram into this huge triple-long double-wide van with Jersey plates, all eight of us, and we'd tour America. I can even recall one time when we were sitting outside of the van before one of the shows. These kids drove by in a car and someone yelled out the window, "SENSES FAIL SUCKS!!!" so Buddy grabbed a baseball bat out of the back of the van and ran after the car on a mission. It was so funny at the time, I couldn't stop laughing. The car sped up insanely fast, it was originally going about ten miles per hour, and Buddy ran back to the van while laughing uproariously. During a few shows, Buddy dedicated one of their new songs on their forthcoming album to me. It was called "Tie Her Up" and even though it's about hating an ex so much that you'd seriously kill them with no remorse, we both knew that dedicating it to me was a joke and it was really quite great. I love those crazy kids a lot, each and every one of them. I can't wait to tour in their company again, hopefully sometime soon. Who knows, right?

Time passes fast, especially while in good company. My boyfriend would definitely be considered 'good company,' that's for sure. As stupid and absolutely corny as this sounds, I fall for him more and more each day. Our one-month anniversary was on the 14th and it seemed like a huge obstacle that we finally passed. Now that everything is definite and we're surely not breaking up, I can only imagine more and more x-month anniversaries that we'll be surviving through. He's honestly what makes my life satisfying, and even though he stated in his entry that he thinks he might be in love with me, I know I'm in love with him. It's definite. Call me crazy, but just the thought of living without him makes me want to burst into tears. I know I once told myself that I'd never depend on anyone to keep me happy or sane, but Cone keeps me both. I can't even think of where I'd be without him. I don't like writing sappy entries so I'm shutting up now, but I felt the need to get that out of my system, especially seeing as I haven't updated in a while.

Jesse wants me to update more, maybe I will. I hate my updates, especially this one, so I'll end it here. Bye.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-08-10T21:07:00

2003-08-11T01:14:31Z

I have not updated in five days. Have I gone insane? I really do think so. Happy 10th of August, everyone!! Even though it's not a holiday, see if I really care. One of the funniest things that's happened as of yet on this tour is when I saw Dave Baksh dancing around in his boxers while singing Madonna in a really high and screechy voice. The most amusing part of that is the fact that he didn't try to be funny. He was actually being serious about it, he thought I was asleep. I still don't think he knows that I saw this happen and he'll probably deny it all when he reads this post, but oh well, it happened and I should've videotaped it.

I was watching some Rolling Rock festival thing on MTV2 the other day randomly and two seconds later my boyfriend was on TV with his new hair. Well, it's not exactly new now, but it's still new to the public eye because he's not oncamera like every single day. It still amuses me how much taller than Deryck he is. Why have I talked about Sum 41 this entire entry? I am clearly insane and should be offed immediately, bye.

I have a strange energy drink called Fire. It comes in a grey bottle and Stevo saw it and thought it was Coors Light. He keeps his mind on his booze and his booze on his mind. Or something. I clearly don't know what I'm talking about, why am I even updating? I should just go five weeks and then update again, repeating the process a few times until everyone is sick of me. Not that everyone isn't already, but geeeeeee, do I ever have writer's block!

I really have nothing to say, sigh sigh. I still don't know where Buddy is. I miss him a disgusting amount still.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-08-05T18:46:00

2003-08-05T22:58:40Z

Shakira's update really got me thinking.

I know I've never exactly spoken to her, but some of the points she made were really depressing to me in a few ways. She stated, "I think that there are basically people who cheat and people who don't. The ethics of cheating are kind of built into a person, it's not something you decide." and sadly, I'll have to agree. This brings a few thoughts into my mind.

Firstly, as far as I know, I'm no cheater. I've never cheated on a boyfriend and I don't plan on it, either. However, when I first got this journal, my views on things - especially cheating - were a lot different than they are now. Maybe it was because I was single and I had been single for a good long time. I could look and flirt at will, nothing was stopping me from doing whatever I wanted. At that time, I had absolutely no idea that anyone in the near future would ever develop feelings for me and I was shocked that people who had finally found others to care about them would throw away their relationship to cheat with others. Love was so far away from me that I just didn't believe it was possible for people to condone cheating. I was so naive.

This paragraph is going to be completely honest. Now that I'm attached, I feel completely guilty if I even so much as think another guy is attractive. I find myself shying away from certain people in my life out of fear that I'll develop feelings for them when I clearly already have a boyfriend. I want nothing but the best for Cone and I certainly value our relationship, but when I find myself wondering what I'd do if put into certain situations, the outcome is not favourable for either of us. In nine days it will be our one month anniversary. We haven't been dating for very long at all. If I'm feeling like this at the very beginning of our relationship, I hesistate to think about what could happen to us if I accidentally fuck things up in the future.

I've realized that shit like this might happen and I truly don't want it to. I have no doubt in my mind that Cone is going to read this and most likely won't be too pleased with me at all. He'll probably want to talk. He'll probably question where this relationship is going and if it's even worth it. Hell, I don't know... he might even break up with me tonight. I just felt as if I needed to get this out there and see what he wants to do with things before I do something really retarded and hurt him in the process.

I'm really an idiot.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-08-03T19:12:00

2003-08-03T23:21:49Z

I don't know what to say other than the fact that I'm bored, no one is around, I'm not in my home country, and I'm listening to Foreigner. Someone should off me for the latter comment, I swear to God. I have also decided that I am going to yell at every single member of Sum 41 for hiring such an awful webdesigner to create their site. It's flashy and stupid, not to mention the fact that the voices that start yelling when you move your mouse over a link make me want to take a colt .45 to my head and pull the trigger. That is not normal behaviour, friends and jerks. There is most obviously something very wrong with me.

I have been drinking far too many cans of Mountain Dew lately. It's almost like I'm addicted, but then again, can't people get addicted to caffeine anyway? I don't think it's too rare, actually. Maybe I'm just strange and imagining things. I actually watched some urban myth show last night and it told me that gigantic killer spiders are probably living under my house at this very moment. I am disgustingly afraid of spiders, I should call the pest control center immediately.

Why am I just rambling? Why hasn't Buddy been around? Why hasn't my boyfriend shown his face in almost 24 hours? Why have I had strange urges to get my lip pierced? Why have I just finished my third can of Mountain Dew?

The world may never really know.

GOOD MORNING, AMERICA!

2003-07-30T12:24:10Z

My hands are cold. So cold, in fact, that I can't seem to type properly. I'm making typo after typo and I keep having to erase the words and rewrite them, but hey, such is life. Since it is now officially my job to say at least one thing about Brand New in every entry, I'll say that when I woke up and turned on MTV2 their video was the one playing. I also realized that since I'm touring the world with Sum 41 and New Found Glory now, I really desperately need money. Not only to support myself and buy some random things that I might like, but also to pay for plane ticket upon plane ticket. This whole 'unemployed' business is really a drag when you think about it long enough. In my entire LoR career, I only sold 12,000 records in Canada. I have absolutely no money and I'm not too proud of it, but hey, what can you do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What I am going to do is get into the black market. That is all I will say about that other than that from now on, I'll have to think in decimals and dollars.

Buddy, Dan, Mike, Garrett, and Dave are in Vermont today. I hate that state but I heard it's where Ben & Jerry's and snowboarding originated. I wish them the best of luck and I am praying for them, they might contract rabies from being bitten by a mad cow. That's not kosher.

Jaret is apparently going to try to beg money off of people in DC today. He is going to say he has a prosthesis or that he battled in Vietnam or something, I honestly do not understand him. Then again, who understands anyone with default icon keywords 'I h8 n8'? I MAY HAVE COCA COLA, BUT HE HAS CHOCOLATE MILK!! That reminds me of Bishop, I wonder what he is going to say now that Jason Daunt undeleted. There should be some sort of battle of the ages in which they both take their guitars and try to smack each other to death with them. I think I'd pay to see something like that. I'd even volunteer to run the concession stand, maybe it would get me a little more money. I NEED MONEY.

I think I am going to be like Jewel Kilcher and write a poetry book and then turn slutty two days later to try to get as much money as possible. Then I will release a horrible dance-pop album called 843696969. I hate my life, goodbye.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-29T07:38:00

2003-07-29T11:49:51Z

If I kissed your neck, would you slit my throat?

Obligatory Brand New lyric, see above. Kudos to anyone who can tell me which song it's from. I am kind of a Brand New-a-holic, it's getting disturbing and awfully inane. I can honestly say that Deja Entendu is my favourite release of the year, it's the most emotional and powerful record I've heard in a long time. People have been saying that their sound has completely changed and that their music isn't as good, but like Radiohead's evolution, I believe it's better. Well, hm. I take that back. It depends on my mood, actually. Whether I want something lighter or more intense. Either way, I love all of their music, it's kind of roundabout. If Jesse ever needs a female guest vocalist, I'm ready and willing. I can do what Melanie Wills did in From Autumn to Ashes' "Short Stories with Tragic Endings" except without the screaming and more of Vinnie's guitar helicopters. Anyway.

Aaron and I went to DC on the 27th. Strangely enough, it was my first time in the city. My excuse is that I'm Canadian, I'll use it in full force. It was a really nice time, he's quite a nice guy. We were pretty much left alone other than a random teenaged girl yelling, "AREN'T YOU THAT GUY WHO LEFT GOOD CHARLOTTE?!" at the top of her lungs when we were eating at Outback Steakhouse. I think the manager either shut her up or kicked her out, 'cause she was gone not too long after her hissy fit began. I really don't understand people these days at all. It's not as if musicians are some sort of wraithlike beings, they're just regular people like you and I and Jack's mom. They are simply people who have a knack and a talent for music, that's all. When people freak out when they see me (though that's pretty much over for now, seeing as I'm unemployed), I sort of don't really know what to think. The funniest thing in the entire world was the fact that when I was on MuchMusic or on tour, everyone loved me because I was the lead singer of LiveonRelease. When I went to school in the day, everyone hated me for the same reason. It was kind of twisted, maybe the people at school didn't think I was worthy of anything because they'd grown up with me and they actually realized that I'm a normal girl, but I just found the whole thing quite interesting.

I believe tomorrow's the start of Sum 41's tour of Europe with New Found Glory. The 30th has arrived so quickly? It's strange, it seems as if just yesterday I was asking Cone if I could fly to Ajax to live with him for a bit because neither of us could wait so long to see each other again.

The universe has a bad sense of humour.

i'm afflicted, you're addicted...

2003-07-27T19:07:39Z

i don't think i've ever been too tired or whatever to use punctuation, but there's a first for everything. well, maybe i haven't fully boycotted punctuation, but i doubt you'll see any capital letters in this post. not that it matters. the messages will still be quite clear, but when haven't they? please don't answer that.

i'm not deleting as in deleting my journal, when i said 'delete this in the morning' i meant 'delete the post.' i really do appreciate everyone's concern, though. i just slept from 12AM to 2:45PM. my back is fucking killing me and i don't even believe i can think straight after sleeping for 14 hours and 45 minutes. i think i'm overtired now, i suppose that's okay because i might wander around the town tonight and see if there are any concerts going on or maybe just anywhere i can go. i feel like staying out all night for some reason, i haven't a clue why. i am in maryland, there has to be something here. i could just take a bus to DC and get myself killed, that sounds like a novel idea as well. holy shit, i just capitalized 'dc.' okay, anyway...

foxx and ryan are together now? can't say i didn't see that coming from eighty three miles away. i'm happy for them, honestly. they're super people and they deserve each other. on another note, bif is gone. i suppose she's gone back to vancouver to find herself, but really, this whole 'cutting-off-communication' thing is a bitch. i miss her already, i really do. she's been like a big sister to me for... well, ever. i've always looked up to her and respected her, not to mention asked her for advice. i'd sure use some advice right now, let me tell you. lacey left me messages last night with brand new lyrics and told me that i could always talk to her, i definitely think i'll do that. i know that i am, in fact, making a huge deal out of nothing, but when your boyfriend that you're a little bit insane over says that he's going to delete his journal and probably break up with you, it doesn't exactly make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

on another, happier note; i love the wakefield guys. they're hilarious people and slip n' slide is one of the best things ever created. now i know why foxx loves it here so much.

and i'll leave you with some lyrics that foxx and leah wrote. i love the song and i'm so accustomed to singing it that i've just now realized that i can really relate.

Here I am, losing gravity
2000 miles from the way it's supposed to be
I really feel like I'm selling my soul here
Forget myself, I can't face my own face (in the mirror)

If I gave you fire, why would you turn it back on me?
Will I burn or will I melt? Try and we'll see.
If they can find a trail of gasoline...
If you're still not convinced we could meet over coffee
And tell it like it was while you sit distractedly
And I will fade into the background,
Out of touch with reality.

Here I am, losing gravity
2000 miles from the way it's supposed to be
I really feel like I'm selling my soul here
Forget myself, I can't face my own face (in the mirror)

I never asked for this, as much as I came to receive
If you stop dragging me under, I'll feel compelled to leave
You are the fuel, I am your matchstick
And I'm combusting ever so gently

Here I am, losing gravity
2000 miles from the way it's supposed to be
I really feel like I'm selling my soul here
Forget myself, I can't face my own face (in the mirror)

I'm afraid of myself
And I'm coming apart at the seams
It's better when I lie
So I'll keep smiling while I'm kissing this world goodbye...

I really feel like I'm selling my soul here,
Forget myself, I can't face my own face (in the mirror)

Here I am, losing gravity
2000 miles from the way it's supposed to be
I really feel like I'm selling my soul here
Forget myself, I can't face my own face (in the mirror)

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-27T00:05:00

2003-07-27T04:06:04Z

do i even have a boyfriend anymore?

i hate my life

note to self: delete this in the morning or when not as tired

It's times like these that I miss you most. Remembering how we were so close.

2003-07-26T11:32:25Z

I think this morning has been the most nostalgic I've ever lived through and it's not even moderately over yet. First of all, I went to sleep at 3PM yesterday. I had stayed awake for 20 hours prior to my premature slumber, so I suppose it really wasn't so untimely after all. I managed to wake up at 1AM with Cone next to me. I only went to sleep because he wanted me to, anyway. He told me that I shouldn't get overtired and that sleep would do me some good, so I took his advice and did so. I felt kind of awful. I wanted to stay awake because we still had an entire day ahead of us. We were - and still are, for that matter - visiting Wakefield and Foxx. I was running into things (such as walls and lamps) a lot, I was fucked up quite evilcore. I asked Foxx if she noticed me doing that, she told me that she was too busy being all 'RyanRyanRyan' to be concerned. I love her, I really do. It's going to be terrible when I join up with my new band and can't look forward to walking into Brittin's basement to see Foxx sprawled across the couch singing "Ruby SoHo" and acting all distant and incoherent until Leah starts beating on her drumset and only then would Foxx sit up quicker than a mouse discovering an electrical socket, grab her bass, plug it in, and start playing. Hello again, nostalgia. I haven't seen the likes of you in a while.

I was reading one of our messageboards a few weeks back and I faintly recall a fan saying, "Brittin's the toughest, Leah's the sweetest, Foxx is the coolest, and Colette's the hottest." I severely disagree with the latter categorization, but I will definitely have to agree with the fact that everyone has their little schtick. Foxx is amazingly cool. Britt is tough as nails. Leah is the sweetest person I've ever met. They all have amazing and unique personalities, but who am I? I'm Colette. I'm boring. There's nothing about me that is different than everyone else. Well, people have said that my voice is nearly impossible to copy, but where does a strange voice get you? Basically nowhere unless you use it to your advantage like I do and have done in the past. I just hope it can get me into another band.

I saw Lacey-Lee yesterday for the first time, I was quite half-dead though I do recall singing Brand New songs at loud volumes with her. I think at one point I kept singing "Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades" over and over an obscene amount of times. Over 20, I believe. I don't make too much sense, but who does these days? Don't answer that. Really, when I say that, what I'm saying is that we're all degenerating in some form or another. This world's going to hell and no one can stop it, not even Saddam goddamn Hussein. Did you know that I had a hard time getting on an airplane yesterday? They were all, "SHOW ME YOUR PASSPORT." And that was normal, of course, but the fact that they were all, "YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE THE GIRL IN YOUR PASSPORT." was the strangest thing ever. I still look like 'the girl in the picture,' even though it was taken in sixth or seventh grade. Maybe I should renew it one of these days. Cone was getting a little bit exasperated, I could see that he just wanted to backhand the police officer/security guard/whoever he was. Their uniforms all blur together and look the same, don't ask me. But yeah, they had to search me, too. I was apparently beeping because I had a quarter in my back pocket, but they made me take off my shoes, my belt, and the guy seemed to be touching me inappropriately, though he was just doing his job. I swear they try to cop feels and make it off as a 'job well done,' I'm not kidding you.

Now that I've successfully ranted my heart out and cured my pseudo-boredom, I'll end this post right here. Maybe Cone will wake up soon.

I need you like water in my lungs.

2003-07-25T00:17:05Z

Shakira was right, this song is pretty damn great. Then again, I really love both of Brand New's albums so that's all I can say. I'm awfully partial to The No-Seatbelt Song, especially at times like these. Times like these? I don't know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I wonder why I bother updating.

Well, Aaron got me to promise that when Foxx goes to visit them again, I'm coming along. I haven't actually spent a good amount of time with Foxx in a while and I'm looking forward to that. What's this talk about a slip 'n' slide? Isn't that one of those things that's filled with water and you run and slide on it on your back or something? I can't remember, but if you're setting it up in a hotel hallway, that could get messy. I hope Lacey is visiting when Foxx and I arrive, I'd like to meet her as well, she's so adorable.

I kind of ranted to Foxx for a little while last night, I guess I just needed to get a few things out. I've told her everything from the get-go, haven't I? Everything. That's never going to chance. She's one of my best friends in the world and always will be, bandmate or not.

On another note, Buddy's back. Well, for now. He just signed on for the first time in a while. I've really missed him a lot, I'm glad he's going to at least attempt to show himself around here. I'll never forget the things that happened when I hopped on to their tour, that was really a blast. He just seems kind of unhappy. That's never good.

I hate this update, bye.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-23T19:35:00

2003-07-23T23:36:38Z

The only reason I am posting is to say happy birthday to Stevo. He always was my favourite member of Sum 41. ;)

Hi Paris. :-*

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-22T18:18:00

2003-07-22T22:27:40Z

You know you're in trouble when your boyfriend is high and you smell something burning in the house. Apparently, he had put a loaf of bread in the oven and turned the oven on. I have absolutely no idea why, but when I thought the house was burning down, I was a bit more than confused. I am hiding his weed from now on, I will replace it with a lot of caramelized pineapples. We are supposed to go out to dinner tonight, I hope we can go to a movie after we're done with that. I don't really care which one, I know that if things go my way, we won't be watching much of the movie anyway. As long as it's not Finding Nemo everything's okay. Wait, is that even still in theatres? The world may never know.

Bif was having a bad day yesterday, I hope things start shaping up soon. What with the breakup of LiveonRelease and her complications with Sam, I'm sure things aren't super peachy in her life at the moment. I really wish there was an easy way to tell all of our fans that it was simply not her fault. Bif played no part in our decision to break up and leave HRM, and honestly, it wasn't anyone's fault individually, not even Brittin's. I still love Britt like a sister, some things never die. We started the band together, she's left a mark on my soul and I don't think I'll ever hate her. I wish her the best of luck with her new band and I hope she does the same for me. That is, once I get a new band. I don't know where to go with that. I can play guitar, but do I really want to apply somewhere as a guitarist? I'd much rather vocalize, quite frankly. If it were up to me, I'd get Leah and Foxx and simply start a variation of LiveonRelease again, but with a new guitarist. I know that'd probably never work, but it would be worth a shot. You know how Guns N' Roses broke up because Slash and Duff couldn't get along with Axl? They started a new band, it's called Reloaded and they simply replaced Axl with Scott Weiland. All we need to do is replace Britt, right? It's just so hard. No one can ever replace her, Foxx and Leah know that in their hearts. This is all one big mess, that's why we didn't stick together. Have you noticed how all my posts eventually wind up talking about how we broke up? I am really kind of horrible, bye.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-21T22:03:00

2003-07-22T02:11:37Z

Hi everyone,

I have only been told about this forum about 20 minutes ago and didn't know we had any message board. I read that press release that was written by someone that thinks they know about us... truthfully.. the only people who are truly informed about this issue.. are myself, foxx, Leah, Colette, and our management. First of all, im informing everyone because all the half true posts are mainly from family members of the girls and aren't from us.. well, now you have it... from a member of the band. Liveonrelease is no longer a band. I'm sorry to all those people who helped us and supported us along the way.. im truly greatful for everything you guys have done! How did this all happen.. well, we were finishing up a Notbychoice/kazzer tour in may.. and they day after we arrived in vancouver... HRMRecords recieved a letter in the mail about the girls wanting to leave. As shocking as that was... we all Knew it was coming! Some of the posts were saying that the girls were not being treated the same as me.. because of the connections with the label. Those girls and I were all spoiled from day one... To this day we have only sold 12 thousand records in canada... but we have had luxeries such as wages, videos, really nice hotels in each city while on tour, Tour bus on longer tours, and an experience that so many people would kill for. These are such things that a band like us would not get to experience if it weren't for the money put out from our managers pocket. Tour support and factor only go so far. Apparently all those things weren't enough for those girls... but maybe working at a toy store(leah), a music store(foxx) and pizza hut(colette) is enough for them. In some way i feel that this is my own fault because I know my father and the label HRM wouldn't have lost so much money if it weren't for me being in the band. To the girls, at this point I have no more hard feelings and I wish them all the best in there future plans. For all those liveonrelease fans that feel they are left in the dirt, im very sorry, but there is nothing i can do... look for my new band coming out in the fall, and on stage with Bif this summer, thats all i have for you.. and i would be happy to answer any e-mails you send me.

Brittontherun@hotmail.com

Love Britt Black of LOR

It was posted on an unofficial LoR board, and really, though she says she has "no hard feelings" towards us, it's hard to believe her when she's badmouthing us. She says we got unnecessary luxuries, which we did. I can't deny that we were treated awfully well, but you know that she wouldn't ask for the extra shit if she didn't think she'd benefit from it as well, you know? It's not just as if we asked for it, she got it for us, and we didn't appreciate it. The whole thing has brought my entire mood down. It made me realize that she's playing with Bif and has started a new band, and where are Leah, Foxx, and I? We're nowhere. I quit my godforsaken job at Pizza Hut, but I still don't know what I'll do about my future and my career in music. It's terrible to sit down and actually mourn your loss, you know? When I think about how serious this is, it actually becomes serious. As stupid as this may sound, the only thing that I can honestly say gives me some hope is my boyfriend. Not only is he there for me and reassures me that everything will be okay, that I'll start a new band and we'll be twice as popular as LiveonRelease ever was, that first bands don't usually work out anyway, but he also is there to keep me well aware of what I have in my life. When I say "what I have in my life," I really mean him. It's not every day that someone like me gets so lucky and acquires someone like him, let me tell you. Before I get all pathetically sappy, I'd like to say that I'm very grateful for the fact that he's letting me stay with him for the next ten days and tour around with him for however long. I'm sure he'll get sick of me eventually, but the touring and everything will help me take my mind off of this horrible situation. Sure, it'll make me quite nostalgic and I'll miss LiveonRelease, but when I'm not thinking, everything will be peachy keen.

I don't know what the purpose of this post was. The situation is still undeniably depressing.

We're damaged goods, what the hell, we've got nothing more to lose...

2003-07-20T22:25:49Z

It's hard to let this all out and type it up, but I honestly couldn't hold it in anymore. I've been fighting for both sides of this predicament for the past several weeks. I didn't want to say anything because nothing was finalized, but now it's completely real and I'm hoping I'm not looking at the end of my career.

Last night, at the Salmon festival, shit hit the fan. We were all there: Bif, Britt, Foxx, Leah, and I. For those of you who are familiar with LiveonRelease, you'll know that we're on Bif's label, Her Royal Majesty's records. We were signed to their label at the turn of the millennium, and though Bif clearly states that she didn't sign us because Brittin is her manager's daughter, it's honestly the only reason we were signed. Though HRM is Bif's label, no matter how much Bif liked us, we wouldn't have been signed unless Peter liked us as well.

From the get-go, Britt's word was the word that always won. Don't get me wrong, I still consider her one of my dearest and closest friends, though I doubt she's too happy with me at the moment. Anyway, the songs she wrote were always the lead-off singles. "I'm Afraid of Britney Spears" was co-written by her and I. "Let's Go" was written by her. Leah, Foxx, and I were all pushing for other singles to be released, but the management team insisted on having the songs Britt wrote as singles. Whatever Britt wanted for the band is what Britt got. We never had a problem with her as a person. Ever. But we started feeling like third-world citizens when nothing we asked for ever happened. During our spring tour, Foxx and Leah told me that they'd been talking in private for a few months and were unhappy with the state of the band and what was going on with us. I convinced them to please stick it out, that things would get better, that this band was not only our favourite thing in the entire world but also our careers. I was stuck in the middle and Britt was still very oblivious. We couldn't tell her. We simply couldn't, it would stir up an extreme amount of shit. Foxx and Leah both took my advice for a few more months. They trusted my word, they believed me when I said things would get better.

I was wrong. They just got worse. We started getting in petty arguments and I was always stuck in the middle. Foxx and Leah often stormed away, leaving Britt looking at me in a confused and often angry manner. I was becoming overwhelmed. I couldn't stand to play the mediator every single day while my band crumbled at the seams. I just wanted to perform in front of crowds, write music, do interviews... anything but what was taking place. I wanted to be happy with my life, the arguments certainly weren't making me happy.

Yesterday, after Bif's set and even though we played onstage with her for a song, Peter and Riley went over to Britt to tell her what a great job she did and Leah exploded, Foxx soon after. They spilled everything out to Bif, Peter, Riley, and Britt. Everything about how Britt was treated differently than the rest of us, that we didn't choose singles because of quality, that we didn't have the freedom we deserved as a band. Though I was still somewhat torn, I agreed to leave as well. We split up. We don't know what we're doing at the moment, honestly. Foxx, Leah, and I are still friends. Britt isn't speaking to us. I haven't said a word to Bif since yesterday, but she wasn't even a part of the whole fiasco when it comes down to it.

I can't leave music, it's my passion as well as my career path. I know that Foxx and Leah feel the exact same way. We might start a new band with a new guitarist. I might even play guitar. We all might branch off and join new bands. Either way, LiveonRelease is done. It's over. We've broken up, we're never using the name again (it was Britt's, after all), and I am completely fucking broken. I have no career, I just graduated from high school and I have no college plans... this isn't what I wanted to happen.

It shouldn't have ended this way but it did. All good things must come to an end, I suppose. HRM is not releasing this information, though you'll probably be able to realize that we're not together anymore once you notice that the site will never exactly be updated ever again. Britt, as far as I know, is now a permanent member of Bif's band.

I don't know what to do.

Radiohead - My Iron Lung

Faith, you're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell

My brain says I'm recieving pain
A lack of oxygen
From my life support
My iron lung

We're too young to fall asleep
Too cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?

We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung

Suck, suck your teenage thumb
Toilet trained and dumb
When the power runs out
We'll just hum

This, this is our new song
Just like the last one
A total waste of time
My iron lung

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-19T01:54:00

2003-07-19T06:09:43Z

I'm honestly unsure of why I let friends take me clubbing. I don't exactly dance, I'm too young to drink, and I always wind up smelling like marijuana and cigarettes, neither of which I enjoy. Being straightedge, a lot of the purpose of going to clubs is defeated. It's even more ridiculous when you're clearly attached and you go anyway. I'm not looking to pick up any guys, so what's the real point? I have friends here in Halifax, they don't take 'no' for an answer.

And clubbing I went.

The lights were too low and the crowd was too rowdy for anyone to recognize me, I suppose that's a good thing. The last thing I needed tonight was a random fan attack, and yes, it does happen in Canada. Though I was left alone, in a sense I truly wasn't. I don't know how the frequent clubbers do it. I was so sick and tired of people trying to lift up my shirt or grab my ass that I almost started yelling at people and making a scene. A lot of them were probably horny bastards on ecstasy and all, but really, it's an issue of personal space at some point. I was following my friends around the entire time until I just couldn't take anymore of the blaring hip hop and techno and had to go sit out for about two hours. People kept approaching me when I was sitting down inside, so I went to sit outside and had people ask me for lights or drugs. Is this what the human race has degenerated into? The club itself was a festering cesspool, in a way it represented today's society.

Maybe I'm just bitter and paranoid. Either way, I'd never be a frequent clubber.

I hate it when I try to write meaningful things and no one comments, yet my "LOLZ" posts get tons.

2003-07-18T00:23:30Z

Why does this song get to me every time? It's the kind of song that is playing when you're lying underneath the stars and in front of a rhythmically wavering lake. It's the kind of song that makes you feel serene, no matter where you are and who you're with. But most of all, it's the kind of song that makes you think. Think about the world, think about your life, think about the recent decisions you've made and the choices that get you through each day.

I know that it's my fault that he's been so distant lately. Though it's blamed on lethargy, I know the truth. I care about him a great deal. Though it may not seem apparent at times, I consider him someone who is extremely special to me and I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to leave my life. I feel we can stay together platonically like we always have, though it's going to take one sturdy bridge to get over the rift that has been implanted in our relationship. Being cryptic should be a sin, though I'm guilty of it far too often. Sometimes I feel I just can't express what I have to say without being cryptic. I'm afraid my words will upset even more than they already have. Call me vain, I'm truly not. I just don't like hurting people. I hate bothering people I respect. Even though the thing involving Emmy today was thoroughly ridiculous, I was honestly worried that she would dislike me. From reading what she has to say, I have nothing but respect for her as a person and I'd hate for her to think of me as an annoyance or someone to dislike. I think I dwell on things far too much and take everything way too seriously, but the fact of the matter is that though I can tell off people I deem idiotic all day long, if there's someone I actually value as a person, I can't stand to be at odds with them. It truly disturbs me. There are a lot of things I need to get over.

I'm in Halifax with Bif and Britt at the moment. Bif still hasn't clued me in about what we're doing here, but I did hear rumours that there was going to be something spectacular happening on Saturday. I wonder if performing is involved. LiveonRelease will be here, I do believe. The question of the day is if we'll be seeing Leah or not. I miss her so much, I'm very much used to seeing her every day of my life. Britt and Foxx as well, though I'm sure that the latter is quite content with Wakefield at the moment. She'll be here Saturday, that's all I can ask of her. I don't blame her for never wanting to leave, though. Goodbyes are hard, but at least they come with the hope that they aren't forever. On that note, I don't want to have to wait until the 30th to see Cone. That's two weeks away, I honestly think I'll go insane if I have to wait that long. I'm so needy when it comes down to it. I pretend to be so composed and sure of myself, but that's really all it is. Pretending. The way he makes me feel like everything's going to be okay and the way he knows exactly what to say to make me blush, that's what I need right now. In fact, it's exactly what I need. But like Axl Rose once said, "Said, woman, take it slow, it'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience."

That really is all we need, isn't it? We could all chillax once in a while.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-16T01:57:00

2003-07-16T05:57:32Z

So. Halifax on Saturday to visit Bif, Foxx, and Britt. That sounds like a plan to me, aside from the fact that people will have to drag me from Cone while avoiding kicks and scratches. As stupid as this sounds, I don't want to leave his side. At all. I suppose this is one of those "Where have you been all my life?" things, I'm not really sure. We've only known each other for a few weeks, though I know for a fact that I want to keep in touch with him for quite a bit longer than that. Speaking of touching and involving me, he is the only one entitled to do so. You guessed it: we're together now. I didn't update about it yesterday, though we've been dating since then. I'll spare you the details, but the way it happened was really adorable. Not my embarassment nor the fact that I just blurted out that I had feelings for him when he was giving me advice, but the way he was all, "so I think this is the part where I ask you out" and the way he wasn't afraid or ashamed of returning his feelings, not even in public.

Why this amazes me so much is that I'm pretty much a nobody, while he's in a band that almost everyone has heard of at one point or another if they're 'up' with pop culture. Sure, our videos have been on Much, but ask anyone in America or anyone in Europe who LiveonRelease is and they'll have no idea. Some will probably say "...is that a show about basketball?" The point I'm trying to make is that when I was coming up with reasons as to why he would never date me about a week or so ago, one of them was the idea that he'd be embarassed to be with me. I never really think I'm good enough for anyone, and now that I'm actually with him, as morbid as this sounds, I'm waiting to wake up from the dream. I'm anticipating waking up tomorrow and having him regret his decision to be with me in the first place. Maybe it's just an old habit that I need to get over, who really knows.

Yesterday when it happened, I was the happiest girl around for a while. Today made almost a 360 degree turn for the worse, leaving me disheveled and confused as I found out certain bits of information about people that I've hurt in the process of becoming Cone's girlfriend. It was quite the shocker when I discovered that three other people had feelings for me. I absolutely hate hurting anyone at all, and seeing as I consider each person a friend of mine, I felt so guilty and terrible. Timing is everything, I suppose. Though it is selfish for me to say that I'm extremely happy that I'm with Cone and wouldn't have it any other way, that's about the jist of things at the moment. I was quite dejected, everything was bothering me, I got in a fight with several people, and then he returned and talked things out with me. Everything was better almost instantaneously, he just has that effect. He made me laugh and also realize that this might have been a bad day, but there will be plenty of better ones to come.

I just hope I can be as great to him as he is to me.

colette_trudeau @ 2003-07-15T18:35:00

2003-07-15T22:38:29Z

...I think I've figured out what you were talking about. Two and two add up eventually, you know. I feel like throwing up, I am such a terrible person. I really should think of someone other than myself once in my lifetime, I think that's what I'll resolve to do. This has happened to me several times and it hurts, I never figured I'd be someone who would wind up doing it. Timing is everything, I know that the odds were stacked from the beginning and from the point that I left. If at any other time, it would've worked.

I feel... I don't know how I feel. I just know that I wish I could disappear and solve everyone's problems.

I think I'll be hiding on my alternate screen name tonight. My main one's acting up anyway, and I don't really want to face certain people.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. 8-[

2003-07-15T02:15:30Z

MIRACLES DO EXIST.

Swingin' to the bass in the back of my car.

2003-07-14T23:13:00Z

Less Than Jake have been really, really great. No wonder Britt likes them so much, seriously. They gave me my own bunk on their tour bus and buy food for me even though I have a little bit of money left. It's funny being on this tour because I wake up and I have to ask Mr. Skull where the hell we are in the world. I will have to admit that I am sort of in love with Mr. Skull, he is seriously the most hilarious person ever, though I do believe I am going to marry Buddy. Not Buddy Nielsen, buddy from Less Than Jake. I still hate Buddy ~~even though I miss him a ton~~. I relate a lot of how we act towards each other to Ron and Hermione, I think Avril is the only one who can really understand what my last sentence meant. We discussed Harry Potter in comments and on AIM a couple nights ago, she told me that if I'm still on Warped when the Rejects are that we should hang out and watch Harry Potter movies. I am up to it, I actually have not seen them. I have read all five books, that is good enough, isn't it? Sob. I am really sort of horrible.

We are in Phoenix, Arizona now. All we did today is drive basically, the show takes place tomorrow. Everyone's just enjoying a day off, all the guys who are supposed to be on the bus at this point are off drinking to their doom. I can't wait to go to the Plain White T's set tomorrow, I love them a lot. This is a very small paragraph, please ignore it.

Dan is the king of romantic advice and he gave me some last night, he also has the best default icon in the entire goddamned world and I married it. He downloaded the "Let's Go" and "Emotional Griptape" videos, too. I didn't even have to ask him to download the former, he just did. And he likes the video. And the song. And I hate starting sentences with 'and' but I can't stop it now, I am far too lazy to erase them. Anyway, the point is that Dan is the greatest ever and he deserves the greatest girl ever, I hope she comes along soon. I also hope Buddy stops hiding, Dan looked for him a lot last night.

While I'm still sort of on the topic of love, Bif informed me a few days ago that a certain guy here digs me a lot. It's sort of strange because I'm not anyone that people usually like. I'm just, er, Colette. Do I flirt too much? I hope not. Anyway, this person is pretty great from what I've seen of him, I don't know what else to say about that. If something in my heart wasn't holding me back, I'd date him any day of the week. Some things I feel are impossible to explain.

So I watched Cone's (and Deryck's, for that matter) set yesterday. They were honestly extremely good live, and no, I was not looking at Cone's ass, contrary to popular belief. >:O I was just being cheeky, that's all. Pun intended.

Monica is the cutest thing I've ever seen.

I'm ending this entry here before I get in too deep. No pun intended, and yes, that could potentially be a pun related to the topic of discussion two paragraphs prior to this one.

Oh, and hi Ned.